OMG, What a Disaster

My friend Pedro must have been lucky when he applied for a US Visa and granted a 10 year multiple entry to this great American Nation headed by one Barack Obama as the president.

As a tourist my friend Pedro traveled to the different States of America to visit friends and relatives who were so generous to show him wonderful places in the United States including the gambling capital of the world, Las Vegas.

In Las Vegas my friend Pedro also gambled and won so much with a very small capital. He shared some of his winnings (balato) to his friends who brought him to the place.

Pedro a very “segurista” person (practical) sent fifty percent of his winning to his family in the Philippines and all the rest he allotted it for his continuing trips to the other states.

And the last State he visited was Oregon where he met a nice American lady named Emily.

Emily was on her late forties but still look sexy and strong, and horny. She had married and divorced three times already and had several boyfriends which all ended to break-up.

It was love at first sight the first time she met Pedro. Pedro is a small guy but has a good voice and can sing very well.

To cut the story short, the two became lovers.

Pedro loves to go on fishing and Emily loves to go on sailing too. At least they have something in common water.

On their first date Emily and Pedro went of sailing.

Both were so excited on that sailing date which they called a “romance with the waves.”

And among the waves on the ocean they went on surfing and boating on each other. In Tagalog we call this botingtingan.

But anyway on the top of the deep ocean they first embraced and kissed each other. And to cut the story short, when the puzzy was wet and the cock was erect they went with it. As he pumped she also screamed oh, aaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Pedro having fucked his first caucasian lover ejaculated.

Then the unexpected happened, as Pedro withdrew his cock from the cave, Emily saw what went inside her and screamed; oh my goodness!

“What,” Pedro said.

“Why did you not tell me you have that much?”

“Are you kidding? Why, didn’t you agonized with it when it rushed in to your cave?”

“Pedro you know that didn’t happen. Why do you think your microscopic thing is a baseball bat?”

Poor Pedro, this time his lucky charm went down the water and drowned.

This story happened a few years ago but it’s only now that Pedro got enough nerve to narrate it to me after we consumed a bottle of wisky together.

As the

Fuck Me for a Dollar Please

“Hey Johnny will you fuck me for a dollar?”

“What?”

“You heard it idiot, don’t tell me your both ears are plugged with stinky wax!”

That’s Mrs. Pilar or simply manang Cheng kidding Mr. Brown after the old man (already senile) asked his caregiver to have sex with her for a dollar.

Mr. Brown just laughed.

“You are kidding are you?” The old man giggled.

“No I am not. My husband is in the Philippines and it has been a long time since we had sex.”

The old man laughed again.

“I am serious Johnny, don’t tell me you don’t have any buck?”

“Money is not a problem Cheng. I have more than a dollar in my pocket.”

“So why don’t we start now?” Manang Cheng pretended to undress.

“Hey, hey you can do that in front of other people?”

“Why not, I am hot and my pussy is wet?”

Mr. Brown laughed again.

“Cheng you know I can’t do that anymore, can I?”

“Okay Johnny, maybe you are a little bit shy may be we can do it at the bathroom.”

“Cheng, Cheng you are really forcing me. Okay, okay let’s do it.”

Manang Cheng Laughed.

“Really? That’s  great Johnny. Leave your wheelchair and follow me.”

“No, I can’t go anywhere without my wheelchair.”

“No, I can’t fuck with a guy on a wheelchair,” her response.

“Forget it bitch, besides I can’t even manage a two-seconds erection.”

Manang Cheng laughed so hard of what she heard.

“Well Johnny I am not giving you up yet for there will always be a tomorrow.”

“Yes there will always be a tomorrow. Tomorrow and tomorrow, it will be another day.”

“But still no erection yet?” Said manang Cheng.

“You got it right bitch,” the old man’s answer.

Will You Marry Me?

(A very interesting product displayed in of of the souvenir shops in Mines View Park, Baguio City)

Oh yes, mang Baldo proposed to his childhood sweetheart if she is interested to marry him. Manang Alice, a retired public health nurse immediately accepted his proposal. They were both single and never been married before although both were already in their 50′s.

Manang Alice could not believe it, for a year they have been living together as husband and wife without the benefit of marriage. She cried so loud for having been that important to the life of this man to be married. She said yes without thinking. If I were an old maid at that age what do you think would I say if not yes!

But there is a problem, this guy is proposing to marry without giving her a ring as a toke of his endless affection. How is that, is he joking?

Now doubting manang Alice asked the proponent for the ring?

“No problem, I have it.”

“Where?” Manang Alice became more curious.

“Inside the room,” he whispered her.

Manong Baldo went in first as Manang Alice followed.

Once inside Manong Baldo pulled dow his pants to manang Alice’s surprise.

“I don’t like sex Baldo, I want the ring. Come on show it to me first.”

“Okay if you really want it just pull down my underwear first,” he told her.

“No, I am not in this room to have sex with you but for the ring.”

“Who told you I am interested to have sex with you at the middle of the day. I can’t even register a single erection this time!”

”Are you kidding” Just do what I tell you or I will leave you locked up in this room,” manang Alice warned him.

“I am not kidding as well. Pull down my jockey or you’ll never have the ring”

“I don’t know what game is this but be sure I could see the ring once I pulled down your underwear,” she said as she obliged.

To her surprised she saw a 24 karat gold wedding ring with diamonds tied on his penis.

“You can have the ring on one condition, use your lips not your hands to get it.”

But with so much excitement manang Alice did not really use her lips but her teeth to snap the thread where the wedding ring was tied. And unfortunately for mang Baldo, manang Alice front teeth were too long not to escape a portion of the head of his penis when she aimed for the thread.

“Arayy ko poooooo bakit mo kinagat ang Batotoy ko hindi naman kasali diyan e!!! (Ouch, why did you include my penis. I only wan you to bite the string. ),” he cried in pain to that unintentional bite of Eve to Adam’s apple. 

Not only one person but several people in the neighborhood  heard the cry.

Hatton’s Cocaine and Drinking Problems

I can’t believe my favorite boxer next to Manny Pacquiao is suffering from depression and was diagnosed with drink problems by an specialist. Wow, what’s happening now to a great boxing champion? Another cause of alarm if Hatton is also hooked with drugs particularly cocaine? A newspaper published video footage of the boxer allegedly snorting cocaine. The drugs however are “recent” and they are not quite the “problem  when talking in degrees.”

The specialist told Hatton that his depression is “severe” and that he has “a drink problem.” Even before Hatton faced the specialist, his father and the rest of people closed to the boxer had been increasingly alarmed with his depression according to report. That’s the reason they already sought the help of a professional to prevent Hatton’s from killing himself.

Well I could only surmise as others that it was his losing bout with Manny Pacquiao (the Filipino people’s champ) which triggered all these depression and alcohol problems he is in. He has not recovered since then from his defeat. It’s difficult for a “Hitman” to really accept that he had been knocked out by a smaller but faster Filipino boxer. It’s a good thing this early, Ricky Hatton, allowed himself to undergo rehabilitation and probably to continue with his career. And I am praying he will.

But he will still have to face the British Boxing Board of Control (BBBC) over the allegations of drug abuse. Let’s pray the board will be more understanding to him this time so he will not be fined nor have his license suspended or worse revoked. Why I am so concerned about this, the Hitman (Hatton) has still a bright future and a long way to go in boxing. He can still have a re-match with the Pacman and probably win the second time around.

Come on Ricky, this is not yet the end of the world. You can still prove you are not called the “Hitman” for nothing!

AKANG PAKPAKAYANG (SPREAD YOUR LEGS)

Spread Your Legs- by Askalyusis

The word “Kayang” (noun or verb) in Ilokano (one of the Philippines’s main dialects) means to spread the legs. Likewise the word “Pakpakayang” simply means an act of opening one’s legs (as in the case of giving birth). “Akang” is a nickname derived from Arcadia, or Francisca. Akang Pakpakayang (Arcadia Macapaltot) is an indigenous midwife. She comes from a family of “helot” (local term for midwife) so her popularity in the village and sorrounding villages of San Vicente is unquestionable. Most of the female births she assisted since she started with her “career” are themselves Akang’s clients too. “Up to your grand children, if I am still alive, I could be of service to all,” her mission statement. That’s why Akang is so loved and respected in the community. Medical practitioners could not question her skills as she was also trained and accredited many years ago by the Department of Health for rural health practice. At times she was also sought by the local residents for some ailments which she cured using usual herbal remedies. Even victims of Kulam (witchcraft) came to her for assistance which she politely declined since this is not her line. Instead she refered such cases to uncle Guillermo Kulambo (Self-acclaimed Certified Faith Healer, CHF).
Akang’s plight as an indigenous midwife is a mixture of joy and pain at times. Joy if she could safely help deliver a “healthy baby” even if it is a life threatening case (specially to a first time mother). Pain when she had to wake up late at night, cross a river, to assist a laboring mother (there was even a time when she simulataneously assisted two laboring mothers). “Once Akang is around, I always feel I am on safe hands.Thank God there are dedicated people like her serving humanity,” a grateful mother declared after delivering her 11th child. “O, kunkunam la dayta ta anak ka nga anak (you can only say that because you are always pregnant). Actually that’s Akang’s sentiment, here comes a mother giving birth to another child while two of her married children had just given birth in a row two months ago.
One time Akang was on her way home when a group of elderly men drinking basi (a local favorite wine made from sugar cane) called her. “Adda man pinaltot mon (you delivered a baby again)?,” an elderly man asked. “What is new,” she said. Everybody laughed. Akang took a glass, poured it with basi and drank. “Uray no ditoyak la a makabawi ti panangparparigat yo kaniak (I will take this chance to compensate myself, even in a little thing like this, from you guys for causing me all these troubles). The elderly men laughed. “Naimas met ngamin (it’s full of sensation and pleasure right?),” the men blurted. This did not sound well to her. ” No dakayo koma met ti agsikug ken aganak di nakita yo (suppose you guys are the one who will get pregnant and labor, let me see),” Akang countered. Laughter followed. Akang knows these men respect her that much; they owe to her the safety of ther wives, children, and perhaps even grandchildren while laboring. But Akang being trained by the Department of Health knows the impact of multiple births to the health of the mother and the burden of overpopulation to the social and economic condition of a developing country. So, Akang took it upon herself to conduct her own crusade and advocay on family planning and responsible parenthood. But the usual response of the people is negative. ” Naimbag la ketdin ta adda ni Akang nga mangpakpakayang kadagiti masikog (Good there is Akang who spreads the legs of laboring mothers). Akang did not like such statement so she retorted back, “you guys are terrible; all day and night you never miss spreading the legs of your wives.” Laughter again. “That’s part of life Akang, without it we will never be called a “macho man.” To an encounter like this, Akang knows that her crusade will reach nowhere. Not with these farmers and fishermen who define the fullness of life in terms of sex and fertility. Farmers need their children as farm help, or as an added hand in fishing. But what a shallow reason for overpopulating the world. “Rumabiin, innakon (it’s getting dark I have to go),” she politely excused herself from the group. But before she could turn her back, a middle age man pulled a bill from his pocket. “I just sold my produce, here is some amount for your expenses.” Another man grabbed a basket of ripe bananas and handed it to her. Not to be outdone the store owner gave her some chocolates. “I just received a package from my daughter in Hong Kong, I want to share with you some chocolates.”Nagadu ket ti ipaawit yo kaniakon (You give me so much load to go home). She gratefully received them all and went home.
Early in the morning while preparing for breakfast a young man called her. “Apay, ania’t masapulmo (why, what do you want)?. The young man was so nervous. “Madam my wife is now laboring, her water bag has just fallen. Please come.” She looked at her husband Gorio “Batuag” (a barrio councilman) and the man could not hide his laughing while making the sign of a cross. “You go, that’s your mission in life. But don’t forget my tinola (chicken dish).” The young man was aware what Gorio wants. “Don’t worry uncle I just cooked it,” the young man quickly replied.” Hours later while eating the “tinola” for lunch, Atang was gigling. “I just talked with her grandmother yesterday now Linda is “mothering” her first born.” Gorio laughed so hard. “Imagine I courted her grandmother before but she turned me down. How in this world would I know that my only lady in life will be a midwife to them– for the grandmother, the daughter, and the grandchild.” Atang quickly stepped on her husband’s foot. ” Loko, I am not that old. The girl is only sixteen,” she barked at him. Actually Mang Gorio is a little bit jealous for they never had a child. ” Bumirokkak sa met ti disenuebe dita beer house barbareng makaputotak (I think I shall look for a ninteen-year old bar girl to get a child),” Gorio teased his wife. Atang violently reacted. “Padasem Gorio no diak gippasen ta botom (Don’t dare do it Gorio or I’ll cut your penis). Gorio, although joking, was suddenly silenced by his wife’s statement. ” I’d rather go now and cut some grass for my horse. You might make it true with your warning. Remember, we have many more nights to go baby,” he said as he ran fast to the door before Atang could hit him. As the husband rushed to the farm, Atang went out of the house to attend to her orchids. Small girls playing in the neighborhood greeted her. “Atang Pakpakayang (Atang the legs spreader),” they said. Atang just laughed. “Even you guys they too will also spread your legs in the future,” she blurted out.

PONSO LUGIT

Ponso Lugit-by Askalyusis

LUGIT in Iluko (Ilokano) means chicken dung. But this person is no chicken dung. He is a nice guy. Long before they migrated to the United States of America, he was just one of the friendly, happy-go-lucky, caring, and a humble barrio lad. He is several years older than me but that was not a barrier for us to be friend. Ponso Lugit is a funny man. He shared a lot of humorous anecdotes; most of them stem are his personal experiences in helping his grandfather sell their products (clothing apparels and various household items) in the market. Among the funny stories he shared to us was their struggle to bring their vehicle to their destination. With a pre-war (World War 2) edition truck, they always settled on the way with flat tires, engine trouble, and constant pushing of the truck to start. In fact they hired some crews in their business, not to sell but to push the truck. In such stories, he mimicked his grand father how he got mad, got frustrated, and uttered his usual litany of words (bad luck, you devil, oh, no not again, etc.). Most of the time, the stories are repetitious; but the way he delivered the punch line, his flawless acting, and the manner he entertained his crowed, his stories are always new and appealing to us. At the time when only few radios are found in the provinces, old folks looked upon Ponso as their source of entertainment. As much as the old folks loved Ponso, we kids looked at him as our idol. Some jealous toughies in the barrio yelled at him Ponso Lugit but he just ignored them. Even we kids called him Ponso Lugit too but it’s alright to him. Ponso Lugit because of his helpful and caring nature (some old folks borrowed money for medicine and food to him and were always granted), his name became a household commodity in our place.

While Ponso Lugit became a hero to a lot of people some disliked him because of his background (which I will not discuss here). He is a person who could easily fall in love, as he courted a lot of pretty young women in our beautiful town (Santa Maria) but was turned down. He too triggered his eyes to my auntie Ligaya, (his classmate in the elementary), and here our partnership began. For twenty centavos (the value then was at that time was still much in the Philippines) to every love letter I could successfully served to his love one (inamorata), I accepted the deal as a courier and a bridge for courtship. Ponso pampered me with ice drops, dirty ice cream, soft drinks, and biscuits as his bribe. I had never been that pampered in my life so I tried my best to become his bridge to a young woman so modest but strictly taken care of by an old fashioned, moralistic and very religious aunt (who happened also as our grandmother). For fear of reprisals, I just secretly slipped to my auntie Ligaya’s notebook the first love letter of Ponso Lugit. But for whatever reason, said letter never reached her. The second attempt (same content written in a page of a notebook folded into three for I Love You) was intercepted by my mother. She scolded me to the bone; so I personally quitted to Ponso at his surprise. “You mean nothing happened at all?” he was so sad. I knew he was mad at me but he did not show it. He was so good to scold anybody. I melt down with shame at that time. “Don’t worry I understand, maybe they intercepted all my letters,” he calmly said. I was holding then my tears for I failed my idol. But when he patted my shoulder I felt some relief. Maybe I was forgiven. “Okay boy, if there is a will there is a way. Just lend me your Ukulele and I do my share.”
If there is something I admired most with Ponso is his courage, determination, and indomitable fighting spirit to fulfill his goals and ambitions in life. “Never give up kid, for as long as you live there is hope,” he said to me. Tired of watching fishes swim in the river he looked at the sky. “Let me tell you boy, behind those clouds there is still the sun shining.” I just laughed so hard to his surprise. “What clouds and sun are you talking about, it’s already sundown man,” I protested. And he laughed. We went home after that but he first came with me to my house to borrow my ukulele. “Are you going to serenade your inamorata?” He just smiled and laughed. True enough, he serenaded auntie Ligaya. He had some companions who sang with him some Beatles, Elvis Presley’s hits, and some Ilokano love songs. Nobody opened a window for him, only lights off. What a painful way to get a response from your inamorata. No glimpse of hope. I could not sleep then the whole night. I was trying to figure out, would this guy who seemed to be so tough inside be a broken hearted. Would he accept his fate as a loser? Certainly not, feeling so comfortable with that notion, I slept till late in the morning. Many days passed by but I did not see him. Some people were wondering where Ponso Lugit went. Nobody knew it then, but one day news spread that Ponso was preparing to go to the U.S.A. True enough he came to our store to tell us his friends he would be soon leaving for the States for good. “Good for you Ponso, you can now see the States. Maybe you will get rich there.” He just smiled. “You too can go, who knows we will see each other there.” I was just hoping then he could speak prophetically. I never heard of Ponso since then, I went to Manila and finished a degree. After several years I came back to our province (Ilocos Sur) to teach at the University of Northern Philippines. I finished a doctoral degree in education, became a dean in one of the academic units, and retired with the rank of professor 6.

For many years I forgot all about Ponso Lugit. I did not even think of him as I already met a score of friends and acquaintances in the academe and in various field of engagement as a trainor and researcher. I thought I would not see that guy again, not even in my wildest of my dreams. But one day while attending one of the commencement programs (awarding ceremonies) at the University of Washington (Seattle), my sister (whose daughter was one of the recipients of academic awards) pointed her finger to somebody. “It’s him; it’s him, Ponso Lugit.” I looked at the person and it was him—my idol and friend Ponso Lugit. He came to our place and we greeted each other with an embrace. He did not directly say it, but I felt what was coming through his mind— didn’t I tell you we will meet each other in the States. We shared a lot of stories. I learned that he worked as a porter, a postman, and a custom employee. He had just retired as a Federal employee. The way he talked and knowing all his great achievements in the States, I could not but praise the man. His son received one of the highest awards in the University. What a proud father he is. As I extended my hand to congratulate him, I looked at him so high perhaps taller than the Space Needle. He is no longer that Ponso Lugit I knew (as I always believe); he is Ponso the great! As we went out of the hall, I wanted to tell him—behind those clouds the sun is still shining. But it was raining then so we have to rush to our cars.

Po’que Po’que Mi Amoy (Why Oh Why My Love)

Renato is a janitor like me and we work together in shopping center in Manila. That was long ago before I become a married man to my wife.

The story is like this, Renato is interested to Elena a cashier of a grocery store. He waiting all day to Elena so he can accompany her to the boarding house. Many months and years Renato is doing this so Elena finally accepted the love of Renato. Then they are very happy as boyfriend and girlfriend. They go to the movies and you know already what happens there. They kiss and embraced each other. Sometimes Renato has to play with the breasts of Elena. In return Elena will bring down the zipper of Renato and play also with his bird. This happened many times but they did not make love yet. Renato believes that it is better if they will marry first before they will have sex. That will be the gift their gift to each other after the wedding.

Very nice at first their relationship until something wrong happened. Elena was promoted and become the supervisor. The manager like her performance naturally she is rewarded with higher salary and promotion. Now the problem comes because Renato can no longer make sundo or wait for Elena to accompany her to go home. Ay Apo there is plenty of paper works. Elena is not only supervising she is also doing accounting job. Now what do you thing Renato will feel. Siemper he feels very bad.

So Renato started to drink and drink to forget his problem. He is thinking Elena does not love him anymore. He is also jealous Elena and the manager has relationship. And to whom did Renato tell this problem, to Elena’s friend Lolita. But instead of helping both to solve their love problems Lolita is making sulsol or making up stories to further damaging the relationship. Maryosep, Elena is also drinking beer with Renato and telling some more bad stories to make him angry.

Now the problem is complicated more. When Renato was drunk one time he shouting, “pu’ke, pu’ke may amoy.” Because Lolita is ashame she bring home Renato and let him sleep in her bed. Elena is not drunk but she has very bad plan. She undressed and sleep also beside Renato. Renato felt her breasts and her flower without panty. Renato forgot his good manner and right conduct and make love with Lolita.

Lolita was virgin at that time so she was crying. When crying her landlady learned about it and talked with Renato. Renato was also crying because he committed a big mistake. Problem again for him because when Elena learned about the story she break up relationship with him.

The problem is getting worse, Lolita became pregnant. Now Renato has to marry her or face the consequence. He marry Lolita right, otherwise the father and brothers of Lolita will kill him. They married and Elena became broken hearted. Renato is not happy also with Lolita so later on he left her. Renato applied to work as janitor in Guam and was accepted. But later he became a waiter.

But Renato did not forget to support his daughter Maria. Maria became a teacher later. When Renato divorced Lolita, he married Isabelita, a Mexican American to get a green card. But Isabelita is not faithful to him. They had no children and they separated then divorce.

But there is a saying pagkahaba-haba man daw ng porsisyon ay sa simbahan din ang tuloy (very long the parade or porsision but the end is in the church). You know what I am saying? Renato came back one day and come to see Elena. Elena is a widow, because the manager who became her husband died of accident. Elena has one child name Nicolas or Nick for short.

Elena is not hard to get. Over the years she still have a place for Renato in her heart. Well to cut the story short they forgive each other, kiss and make up and decided to love each other again one more time. Yes they fall in love again. Not very long they decided to marry and stay together under one roof. But Renato has plenty of money and have farms in our province.

You know why I write this it is because Renato invited me to become their Ninong. Ay Apo their wedding is very great one to see and remember. There is an  band, plenty of food, and the reception is in a well known hotel.

They are now happily married and going strong even with their rayuma pestering them. But the thing is that love means never having to say you are sorry.

Madam Segundina and Kaps Nakakaaliw na Kuwento, Okey Ngarud

I have posting mga kabayan the telenovelas of Madam Segundina and Sir KapitanKidlat for your reading pleasure. This will tikel daw you imagination. Ay Apo nagimasen. Nagimas kan Mayyang, ikayang mo man (I mean you very delicious Mayyang why can you  not opening your kuwan).

Iklik lang ang mga pages sa above ng itaas. Mayat, magaling, bravo di ba?

Well what is you waiting for reading now while it is hot, aren’t you so?

Ang mga lihim nina Padre Juan at Marina

(Posted with permission from ma’am Segundina)

Mabigat ang kanyang saloobin sa mga nagawang pagkakasala. Binabagabag na siya ng kanyang konsensiya. Pakiramdam niya ngayon pa lang ay sinusunog na sa Impierno ang kanyang kaluwa.

“Padre patawarin po ninyo ako at ako’y nagkasala.”

“Ipagpatuloy mo at nakikinig ako.” Ang sagot naman ng pari sa kanya.

“Binabagabag na po ako ng aking konsensiya sa mga nagawa kong pagkakasala at sa mga taong sinira ko ang kanilang buhay at kinabukasan. Ayaw ko pong mapunta sa Impierno ang aking kaluluwa sa dami at tindi ng aking mga kasalanan.”

“Lahat naman tayo ay makasalanan, ang mahalaga ay inaamin natin ang lahat ng mga ito at humihingi tayo ng tawad sa Diyos.”

Piiiiiiiiiiiiit! May kasunod pang bagay na ayaw langhapin.

“Ehm, o sige Marina sabihin mo na ang lahat ang mga pinagsisisihan mong kasalanang nagawa sa iyong buhay.”

Bahagyang nangiti si Marina ngunit hindi siya nagpapahata kay padre Juan.

“Nagawa ko pong ipalaglag recently ang batang dinadala ko sa aking sinapupunan. Pero bago nangyari iyan ay nagkahiwalay muna ang lalaking minahal ko at ang kanyang asawa nang malaman ng babae ang aming relasyon. Natuwa po ako sa pagaakalang ako na ang uuwian ng aking boyfriend ngunit hindi po nangyari iyon. Sa tindi ng sama ng loob sa paghihiwalay nilang mag-asawa ay naglasing po siya at nang malasing ay nanggulo po at nakipagsuntokan sa isa ring lasing. May pumalo po sa kanyang ulo ng bote ng beer kaya nawalang malay at na-ospital. Nang lumabas po siya sa hospital akala ko ay dito na matatapos ang kanyang problema pero hindi pala. Tumalon po siya sa bintana ng kanilang Condo unit nang muli silang nag-away na mag-asawa. Sa kasamaang palad ay nasawi po ang aking mahal. Kasalanan, kasalanan ko po ang lahat! Hu!hu!Hu! (sabay habol ng hininga).”

“Kaya mo iyan, sige lang magsalita ka Marina.” Ang sabi ng pari na sa kasamaang palad ay biglang sinundan ng isang napakalakas at napakahabang poo-ootttt!

Umiiyak man si Marina ngunit hindi na niya napigilan pa ang di matawa.

“Sorry iha, hindi ko na ma-control pa. May sasabihin ka pa?”

“Wa-wala na po father.”

“Mabuti kung ganon, kasi masyado nang polluted ng mga masasamang bagay ang Kumpisalan.”

HA!HA!HA!HA! Dito na natawa nang todo si Marina.

Palabas na siya ng simbahan nang patakbong sinundan siya ni padre Juan.

“B-bakit padre?”

“Wala naman Marina, gusto ko lang sabihin sa iyo na lihim Kumpisalan din iyong narinig at naamoy mo kanina habang nangungumpisal ka sa akin.”

“Si father naman, huwag na ho ninyong alalahanin pa iyon. Ang totoo niyan ay naunahan lang ninyo ako.”

“Hindi kita maunawaan Marina (pa-drama effect pa ‘ala Jericho Rosales habang kausap niya si Gabby Concepcion).

“Lihim din po akong umuutot kanina habang ako’y nangungumpisal sa iyo.”

Hahahaha! Biglang napatawa ang pari ng napakalakas.

“Makasalanan ka talaga Marina,” dagdag pa niya.

“Pareho lang tayo father.” ang sagot naman nito sabay talikod sa pari at mabilis na pinuntahan ang nakaparadang kalesa sa tabi ng simbahan upang sumakay.

“Magdasal ka ng limang “Lord’s Prayer” at sampong “Ave Maria.” Ang pahabol naman sa kanya ng pari.

“Kayo rin father, dapat doblehin pa ninyo.”

Napakamot na lang sa ulo ang utoting(?) pari sa kanyang narinig.

Saving Your Marriage with Sex

(Fresh from the Barangay Hall of KapitanKidlat)

Out of love, Artemio married Mercy his girlfriend for almost a year. Temyong’s (Artemio) relatives don’t like Mercy because of her big mouth. They always maintained their the suspicion that Mercy had put a gayuma (love potion) to  Temyong’s bottle of beer when he attended Mercy’s birthday that he immediately fell in love with her and rush to marry her.

But they were all wrong. Artemio was attracted with Mercy’s sexy body, fair complexion, and large boobs. Mercy on the other hand did not like Artemio at first because he is not handsome, his face and eyes looks like that of a lizard.

Despite his “ugly face” Temyong is well known for being a playboy. Apparently he is a glib talker so he was able to convince Mercy to watch a horror movie. Mercy on the other hand is one who is very much afraid of ghosts. Temyong exploited her fear; and before Mercy could realized it temyong was already kissing her and fondling her breasts. The worst, he even tucked into her vagina his middle finger.

Because of that incident they got married and Mercy made life  to Temyong miserable by becoming a loudmouth. Even in front of his friends Mercy never had any respite for being a loudmouth to her husband. Although Temyong seemed to be tolerant to his wife’s nagging he is also hurting inside.

And who is happy with a wife who keeps on badmouthing you while fucking having sex? Temyong consulted his grandfather about this problem. His grandpa could not give him any advice but “taming the shew.”

But how? Here is what happened.

During the foreplay Mercy started to scold her husband for not helping her do household chores.Temyong in response kissed her and played his fingers on her clitty. Mercy refrained but moaned for tingling sensation.

Mercy pushed and stop him, and inquired about the money Temyong lend to his brother. The man responded by sucking her breasts and licking her vagina. Mercy screamed. Temyong oh Temyong…make it faster and harder honey. Uh-uhhhh, hmmmm, sarrrappppp. The Shrew had an orgasm.

Temyong’s rod got hot and stiff already. But Mercy was not ready yet for action. She remembered about the frying pan his sister borrowed which she did not return for a long long time. She started to curse but Temyong knows it’s time to go, her pussy was already wet and slippery. He immediately mounted her. And before Mercy could do more damage Temyong inserted his cock and give her inches 2 for a start. The Shrew was contained.

But then Mery was still mad, so she started cursing Temyong too for being to lenient with his family. Temyong went deeper and give her inches 4 but her machine gun mouth is not yet silenced. He pumped faster and give her inches 6. Mercy’s buttocks started to rotate. Although she was still whisperig, “your sister is a bitch.”

He was nearing then the summit and about to ejaculate so Temyong gave all what he has, inches 9! Mercy screamed and moaned so loud, ahhhhhhh….ummmmm. She put her arms around his waist and pulled him towards her.She felt the hard cock went up and down at time circling like a drill bit. Termyong too went faster and harder and finally his hot rod exploded squirting thousands and thousands of sperm.

Game over.

He dismounted her while her legs were still spread apart with her pussy opened up with man’s seminal lava still flowing down slowly.

She never said a word. She’s transfixed, all eyes glued at the ceiling.